Is the curtain lifting...or coming down?

Sad to say, this blog is no longer where I feel I can come to vent or bitch & moan. Too many of my readers (confirmed and suspected) are people I know in real life, and like many bloggers before me it affects what I write. Maybe it's time to start another, more anonymous blog? I dunno. I barely have the energy to maintain this one, but perhaps that's partly because it's not a true reflection of my life.

So how have I been deceiving you? What sordid details have I been keeping from you? Wouldn't you like to know?

If only my life were that interesting.

Mostly I've been hiding how much I'm losing my mind. Sure, there are days where I'm okay, but there are also days when I'm not. Medication has helped, but it hasn't fixed my life. I don't think anything can, short of a one-way plane ticket to Anywhere Else. And that's what I dream of, almost constantly. Lately, things have gotten worse because B. no longer has any patience with me. If I'm anything less than happy, patient, gracious, grateful and loving he's extremely short tempered with me. I feel like I have to have my Happy Face on constantly, and keep stuffing down all the misery that's swirling around inside me at any given moment. Add to that an almost complete lack of contact with adults, and well, it's a pretty potent mix.

My unhappiness manifests itself in mundane ways. I'm drinking too much. That means a couple of glasses of wine every night instead of one or two nights a week. I'm eating too many sweets. I'm shopping too much, albeit for things we "need," but given our perilous financial situation, it'd be better if I could exercise more restraint. I've actually been a better mother the past few months (thanks Z0loft!) but at what cost to me? Is there even a "me" left?

I'm not sure.

Stay tuned...