40 & fabulous! Or not.

Tomorrow is my 40th birthday. When I allow myself to think about it, it stuns me. I’m not upset, just shocked. How can this be? I remember turning 30 as if it was yesterday. Wasn’t it just yesterday?

Still pregnant, 17w4d. The perinatologist is “95% certain” it’s a girl, which was my preference. Easier toddler years, harder teenage years, so I’m told. I can’t even think that far ahead, so I’ll take the easier earlier.

This pregnancy and this baby feel like a lesson to me. As if I’m supposed to learn some greater truth from being in this awkward, unhappy position. It’s still a rollercoaster. In spite of not wanting to be pregnant, I can enjoy being pregnant a little bit. I would enjoy the pregnancy more if I didn’t have to deal with the baby that results. I’m dreading the newborn phase & the accompanying sleep deprivation. Actually, I’m dreading pretty much everything about the new baby, with the exception of labor & delivery. That I’m actually looking forward to. Yeah, I’m a weirdo. I’m hoping to give birth with as little medical intervention as possible while actually in a hospital. We’ll see how that goes.

I’ve realized something about my life. Even before this pregnancy I was struggling with motherhood. Frankly, I’m beat down by it. I don’t know if I’m not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom or what, but life as it is is hard enough. Add in another baby, and all I feel is trapped. Stuck. Like I’m never, ever getting out of this hamster wheel. Which in turn makes me a joyless, cranky and impatient person & mother.

Mid-life crisis, anyone?

Not-so-interesting news.

Still here, still pregnant, 15w4d. Am I handling the situation any better? Some days, yes. Some days, no. I finally realized that my most depressed days might actually be exacerbated by my fluctuating hormones. They make the bad seem so much worse. Other days I fare pretty well; if not happy, at least functioning. The bad days, though? Are soooo bad.

I’ve been able to feel the baby move since late in the 13th week. Early, right? If I lay down and you smush your hand into my belly, you can feel the baby move from the outside too. Active little bugger, already.

My belly has definitely popped, in spite of the fact that I've not gained any weight. I've actually lost about 14 pounds so far, but I think I'm beginning to gain - I'm certainly eating better. I only have two skirts that will fit for much longer, and two pairs of shorts that probably won’t fit by next week. The thought of buying maternity clothes irritates me - once I'm done with 'em, they're basically useless. Seems like a waste of money. I’m hoping to be able to find most of what I need at thrift shops.

Our house will be listed for sale in the next few weeks. I dread the selling process. I hope it goes smoothly/quickly/well. In our favor, we live in a “hot” neighborhood. The house was built in 2003 and has a massive basement/garage, something most houses in the neighborhood don’t have.

In non-pregnancy related news, Little Girl has entered a new phase of behavior. An unfortunate phase. Tantrums, lots of them, over the most minor of issues. In public. In private. Several times a day. We have had days where I have literally been brought to tears because she just won’t stop. In general, when we’re at home I try to ignore the tantrums. That doesn’t work when we’re out in public, though. Let’s just say I’ve been pretty embarrassed more than a few times lately. Hope this phase passes quickly...

Potty training? Little Girl is wearing underpants about fifty percent of the time. Little Boy, not so much. He doesn’t seem to mind having accidents at all. Sitting in a puddle of his own urine? Okey doke with him. I’m at a loss how to properly motivate him to want to wear underpants and use the potty. Frankly, I’m sick of thinking about it. I’m alternately horrified that my children are almost three and not potty trained, and finally understanding of other parents that told me, “just wait, when they’re ready, it’ll be easier.” I’m not sure I actually believe that, but I’m hopeful.