What exactly is going on down there?

The arrival of my period on Sunday brought with it an unpleasant discovery. It hurts to use tampons now.

What's up with that? Is this a permanent state of affairs? I hate pads. They remind me too much of medical procedures, not to mention the discomfort from having a soggy cushion stuck between your legs.

Please tell me this is only temporary. It's almost swimsuit season!

Bloody Sunday.

It’s only 10:30 in the morning and I’ve already had enough of the day. I woke up to find my period had returned, the first since before Little Boy & Little Girl’s conception. Blech. I feel slow, lightheaded & dizzy, and not myself.

It’s made me sad, too. I feel as if I’ve come full circle somehow. The resumption of my cycle means I’m no longer actively involved in trying to get pregnant, stay pregnant and have babies. It’s back to normal, business as usual. At some as-yet-undetermined point in the future (assuming I ever regain a desire to have sex) I may try to get pregnant again, but without medical intervention. Given my medical history this means a future pregnancy is highly unlikely, but a smidgen of hope still lingers.

I miss being pregnant. Not a day goes by that I don’t think, “last year at this time...” My pregnancy went by far too fast. What I wouldn’t give to be able to do it again, discomfort, worry and all.

How lucky I am that I even was able to get pregnant.

B. left for a six day trip this morning, so the house was chaos. Can nine-and-a-half month old babies pick up on a vibe? (Our dogs sure can. They get super depressed when they see B. drag out his suitcases.) My usually easygoing tots were totally out of sorts this morning. We have a routine, they know it well, and normally things are pretty peaceful, but not so this morning. Lots of screaming. Lots. They’re napping now, thankfully.

Let’s hope the rest of the day is more normal.

And oh yeah, almost forgot. B. did realize the magnitude of his mistake in forgetting Mother's Day. He made a sincere effort to make up for it with flowers, several desserts, a bottle of wine, a letter of apology, and best of all, a gift certificate for a couple of acupuncture appointments. So he's somewhat out of the doghouse on that one, but I did reserve the right to bust his chops over it in the future.

Not exactly the Mother's Day I had hoped for.

Is this what all the fight was for? I am lower than low, folks. It’s been a rough weekend. I’ve had it with B., just absolutely had it.

My first Mother’s Day? Nothing. Nada. Zip. Oh, B. remembered, he just didn’t bother to get me anything.

Realizing he might have made an error this morning he tried to leave the house “to get doughnuts.” Knowing full well what he was up to I called him out on it. I told him that leaving me alone with the babies while he ran and got a last minute, poorly thought out Mother’s Day gift was no gift at all. So he stayed home and hurriedly sent e-cards from Little Boy and Little Girl.

Gee, thanks. Hope that wasn’t too much trouble for you.

He said he didn’t realize until yesterday that Mother’s Day was today. He had plenty of occasion to get me something then, so why he didn’t is beyond me. He was even in a bookstore yesterday. And a gas station. By himself, both places. Have you set foot in either of those places lately? They’ve been screaming “Mother’s Day” for weeks.

My only consolation (and it’s a big one) is that I am a mom. Never thought I’d make it here, just wish I had the supportive partner I long for.

Silence is golden?

I’ve lost my voice with B. Last Monday night he blew up at me over a minor issue and we’ve barely spoken since. More often than not I deserve to be blown up at due to the sheer level of my bitchiness, but this was not one of those occasions.

No apology has been forthcoming and I’m too tired to try to extract one. I don’t feel like talking to the man at all. Why bother? He’ll either completely ignore me, as I’ve mentioned before, or I’ll annoy him and we’ll have a fight. For now, this means there’s virtually no grown-up conversation in the House of Bad Egg.

I don’t miss the communication. Not yet. One of the things I miss most from my life before twins is silence. If B. was traveling, whole days could go by without me uttering a word to another human being. I would wake up in the morning and lay in bed and listen to the birds, the crickets, the traffic, for as long as I wanted. No alarm clock, no crying babies, no one’s schedule but my own. Days of quiet would pass effortlessly, days of being alone, and still, and myself.

Admittedly, I might be a little bit freaky about my alone time.

I don’t want my old life back, though. Honest. Little Boy and Little Girl are far too precious for me to imagine life without them. Could there be a better replacement for silence than their giggling, their babbling, even yes, their crying?